>> stephen: tonight, what does the man on the street think about race in america? i don't know. i crossed it to avoid him. ( laughter ) then a surprise move from a hate group. get ready for "the aryan brotherhood of the traveling pants." and my guest, jeff goldblum, stars in the new wes anderson film "the grand budapest hotel." the interview will have a sound track of mendelssohn played on a toy xylophone. ( laughter ) the oscars are on sunday! damn! i had tuesday in the offic ( laughter ) pool. this is the the "colbert

report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! thank you. >> stephen: thank you, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. ( cheers and applause ) thanks so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for joining us. and, folks, i especially want to

thank all the black people joining us tonight. the i will get to my coverage of black history month in just a moment. but i'm sorry, apparently all straight people are now legally required to make wedding cakes for gay people. because last night, arizona governor and diner waitress working a 60-hour shift, jan brewer, vetoed sb1062, a bill protecting my religious right to deny sodomites pastry. and just listen why. >> senate bill 1062 does not address a specific or present concern related to religious liberty in arizona. i have not heard one example in arizona where a business owner's religious liberty has been violated. >> stephen: excuse me, governor. just because you don't see religious liberty being violated, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. you have to have faith and believe that gays are destroying christianity.

( laughter ) and i have that faith, and i see gay attacks everywhere i look. like on this miraculous image on my grilled cheese sandwich. there it is. look at that gay ormy right there. ( laughter ) plain as days, folks. usually, i only see jesus in my grilled cheese sandwich-- oh, boy, he's in there, too. i have to get him out thereof. jesus is safe now in my tum-tum. let's get back to my celebration of black history. i will be dedicating the rest of february african american heritage. it is sich a rich, multifaceted culture for white people to embrace and make less black. for instance, jazz. we smoothed that out for you,

you're welcome. ( applause ) and, ladies and gentlemen, while not all of us are blark we are all victims of racism. slavery is america's original sin, our primal wound, and 150 years later, its terrible legacy still looms over american life so large that it's almost impossible to talk about race without offending someone, especially koreans. ( laughter ) they're a humorless people. but now something can finally be done to lift the painful burden of racism once and for all. it comes from a story i heard on npr. now, i know, but i was driving a rental and the knob was torn off. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it was a report on the national longitudinal survey of youth, which tracked young people over 19 years to see how their lives had changed, and one of the researchers, stanford sociologist aliya saperstein, found something truly shocking. >> saperstein found that the racial classification of people

in the survey seemed to change over time. >> what our research challenges is this idea that the race of an individual is fixed. 20% of the respondents experienced at least one change in how the interviewer perceived them by race over the course of different observations. >> stephen: yes, your race can change over time. much like in the winter, john boehner fades from pumpkin to butternut. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) while this is amazing, it's extraordinary story. so what would cause someone's race to change i say you ask? well, if someone in the study went to jail, the interviewer was more likely to see the person as black. no wonder those white power prison gangs are so scary. they're all black guys. ( laughter ) point is, americans believe black people do certain things. therefore, people who do those

things must be black, or as npr put it, "it's not just our perceptions of race that drive our stereotypes, but our stereotypes that drive our perceptions of race." yes, our perceptions of race are driven by racial stereotypes, which is why they're always getting pulled over. ( laughter ) now, incredibly, you can even undergo a race change after you're dead because the study found that when people had tied as a result of homicide, funeral directors were more likely to list the person as being black and if the person died of alcoholic cirrhosis, the funeral director was more likely to list the person as being native american. and they list you as white if you chocked on kale chips while dancing to jason mraz ( laughter ) ( applause ) stereotypes can even change what race you think you are because when people went to prison they became more likely to think of themselves as black. the good news is, it's a two-way

street. because for positive experiences, the effects are in the opposite direction. folks i believe we can use america's inescapable racism to defeat america's inescapable racism. here's how it would work. minorities have to behave in ways that change our perception of our race. for instance, mexicans, you can seem a lot less mexican if you complain about all the mexicans coming here to steal our jobs. ( laughter ) think about it. right now, there's a mexican doing your job, and sleeping with your wife. ( laughter ) and, native americans, if you turn those casinos into tech support call centers, suddenly you're an actual indian. ( laughter ) of course, the quickest way to achieve racial equality is to just send everyone to prison. then we would all be black. and once we're all black, maybe americans will finally realize

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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. to my ongoing coverage of black history month. of course, a sad and repulsive chapter of black history is the ku klux klan. last year, i told you how klansmen were arrested for offering to sell jewish groups

a workable death ray. well, recently, thanks to my longstanding google news alert for "klan death ray," i learned there was an update. >> an upstate man has just pled guilty to helping build a deadly x-ray machine that uses radiation to kill people. >> authorities say they were tipped off to the portable x-ray device after crawford approached local jewish groups because he wanted their help in killing muslims. >> stephen: yes, justice was done. they're a vile, despicable hate group, but i can't help feeling a little inspired by the way these klansmen overcame their hatred of jews to serve a greater cause-- their hatred of muslims. i've always thought of the klan as a bunch of rednecks from our shameful racist past. well, it turns out i was wrong. because they're a bunch of rednecks from our shameful racist future. i was so moved by this story of hope that i did the obvious thing-- i turned it into a cartoon. ( laughter )

( cheers and applause ) a cartoon that answers the question-- what if the klan completed their death ray and used it for good? as for the other question you're asking yourself right now-- no, i'm not ( bleep ) you. now, my network didn't want me to air this cartoon tonight, sending this inflammatory e-mail that resident, "we're a little concerned with this, especially because it is airing during black history month." that's right. the man is trying to keep me down! now, were they polite about it? yes. were they making a reasonable point? absolutely. do i have a problem where i over-react to being told what to do? you bet your ass i do. ( cheers and applause ) i believe i must air this during black history month.

if i don't, i'd be treating black people differently, and that is something i only do subconsciously! ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, i'll be honest with you, nokes, i may not like what this cartoon says but i will fight to the death for the right to air it because i do not have anything else ready. is it right to run this cartoon tonight? i don't know. i'll let history be the judge. black history. and now, ladies and gentlemen, i give to you, laser klan. >> mr. president. the alien warship will enter our atmosphere in one hour and all of our weapons are useless against it. >> we're the most powerful nation on earth! america must have something that can stop them.

what was that? >> well, there is laser klan. ( laughter ) >> seriously, what have we got? >> mr. president, sometimes you have to work with people who don't like you. >> that's all i do. ( laughter ) >> if we, hands to the ninth power in the cyclotrommic acceleration center. >> now we're at full white power. >> one aaa transistent

restraint. >> hello, this is president barack obama. i'm looking for the laser people. >> you mean laser klan. >> uh, yes. >> >> it's go time. >> mr. president, we're high pressured to help america in its time of need. because we got nothing against black people. >> we only want to celebrate our heritage. >> uh-huh. >> can you defeat these aliens? >> yes, sir. just got one question? what color are they? >> who cares, they're aliens. they're gray. >> okay, that's not white. >> white women. >> laser klan-- confederate.

>> oh! >> yay! >> what power? >> well, that happens. >> mr. president, it was an honor to save america. >> thank you for giving us a chance.

>> is there anything you'd like to say to us? >> yes. the american people must never hear of this because they'll panic when they find out about the aliens. >> sure. >> that's why. >> you guys are the luckiest white house tour ever. the president is meeting with some advisers. >> no, no, no. we just saved the world. >> thank you. >> don't thank them. >> what a racist! >> laser klan! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. i'm not sure if that was the right thing to do. adult swim-- i might be looking for work. ♪

you guys ever try one of these bars made over at right twix? why? our special cookie is cascaded with caramel and cloaked in chocolate. you never wondered? [ whoosh! zap! ] [ glass breaks ] aah! [ male announcer ] try both. pick a side. twix. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is in the new wes anderson movie, so at some point in this interview, jason schwartzman will probably show up. please welcome jeff goldblum. ( cheers and applause ) hey, jeff. good to see you again. nice to have you on. >> nice to be here. >> stephen: to see you again, man. obviously everybody knows you're a friend of the show. it's your sixth time on the show. ( cheers and applause ). first time we got to have a conversation together.

>> i'm thrilled, very honored. >> stephen: now, i've never said this to you, i've never said this to you, but you know i don't trust the hollywood elite. >> yes, sir... >> stephen: but you're different. >> really? thank you. >> stephen: because the market has spoken and are you box office gold, okay? ( cheers and applause ) i believe in the free market. you've been in some of the biggest movies of all times. do you fit in out in hollywood with all the-- are you a liber liberal? ( laughter ) >> i wasn't going to press the issue, but now that you've brought it up, yes, i would say that i'm-- if i had to put my cards on the table-- i'm on the side of the more progressive thinkers. ( cheers and applause ). i know. i'm sorry. >> >> stephen: i'm going to do you a favor. i'm going to do you a favor. jimmy, let's cut that part out, okay? you're in the new wes anderson film "the grand budapest hotel." okay. i saw this thing last night. >> yeah, thank you. >> stephen: i was deeply moved and it's-- stuck with me

for the last 24 hours. why was i so deeply moved by it? because, while the movie is beautiful, i think-- when i watch a wes anderson movie, the emotional moments -- the moments of crisis for the characters, not a lot goes on. the camera just haipgz o hangs e person, and then i start crying. >> and then you start crying. >> stephen: and then i start crying. >> i felt very moved by it, too. i was very knocked out by it, too. it's mysterious. he's a genius. he knows how to mick a movie that works, that does something to you mysteriously. although, he's devoted his life to craft and to passion and to making these-- telling these stories. so, you know, it's beyond me and my understanding, but i feel the same way that it's very effective. this movie is about-- isn't this what it's about? it's about-- rau ( laughter ) it's about the telling of a story by a wonderful

storyteller, remembering a great soul who is the embodiment of love, and you leave the theater filled with a kind of unusual ecstasy and enlightenment. so-called. isn't that true? >> stephen: i didn't follow a lot of that. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i thought it was-- i thought it was funny. >> it's hilarious. >> stephen: i thought it was funny. >> it's hilarious. >> stephen: it really is. the whole movie is-- and you can say this about a lot of his movies -- it's a confection. the hotel looks like a "cake boss" cake. >> i don't know "cake boss." >> stephen: you don't know "cake boss?" who knows "cake boss?" ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the united states of not manhattan, jeff. >> i'm sorry. >> stephen: "cake boss" is a show-- it's the greatest show on television, next to mine, really. we have very similar values.

it's like this, you know, sort of-- this confection of a hotel, almost like it's made out of frosting in some ways. it would make a great cake for a gay wedding, is what it would do. >> it certainly would. >> stephen: the story itself is something of a confection, but when you cut into it, there's meat there. it's eye meat cake. >> it's a meat cake. well put, well put. true enough. >> stephen: yeah, he's-- it's an art installation to see his things and to work on these movies it's beautifully designed. >> stephen: how do you get invited? how do you get invited to do it? does an ancient indian man show up on a huffy bicycle wearing a very tiny suit and hand you a calligraphyed invitation, that sees, "please tip this man, he thinks he is a child. do not destroy his illusions." >> you just made that up. where did you get that from? yes-- that's fantastic.

>> stephen: i've read his next script. >> fantastic. yes, i'm not sure what you mean, but the general poetic impression is correct. it's like cosmic transcendental invitation to take an acid trip of some kind. >> stephen: i don't know what an acid trip is. is that like drinking the slurpee too fast? >> some people don't get a brain freeze. >> stephen: do you get a brain freeze? >> yes, i do. >> stephen: all the people in this film look so fun. do you spend time together at night? do you go out eating or drinking? >> it was fantastic. wes anderson, genius that he is, wants to make not only a very particular, finished, beautiful film, but he wants to make the shooting an art project in itself. that is to say, every day is a wonderful, special event, an experience. so we went to this great place, and he gathered this great bunch of people-- edward norton, jason schwartzman -- >> stephen: harvey keitel. >> and rain fines, beautiful performance. and we take over this hotel, we

were all exclusively in one fairy tale hotel, and-- like a dorm. i was down the haul from willem dafoe. and each night after shooting, wes has a chef of his come and provide a very special, interesting dinner at a certain time right after shooting. and we talk. and i was there for six weeks. >> stephen: do you need somebody to just, like, carry the scripts around because that sounds like a lot of fun? >> it's the most fun you can possibly have. besides this. aside from this. ( laughter ). >> stephen: jeff, thank you so much for joining me. jeff goldblum, everybody. we'll be right back.

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( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's the report, everybody. good nigh captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ( people talking indistinctly ) ( dance music playing ) mac: i like what i'm seeing here. charlie: i like what you're doing right now. i like what you're doing! i like what we're all doing. i like this guy! both: hey! denny, boy! this is insane! i know! this is good, this is a good scene. i never seen so many beautiful people in my life. yeah, check it out. even sweet dee's getting lucky. that dude's gonna bang your sister, bro! this is good, man. i feel good. yeah, you look good, brother. no, no, no, but i feel better than good, you know? i feel like, um... i feel like dancing.